J.Crew catalogs are my porn

So--because I only think really deep thoughts--in writing my last post I realized that J.Crew catalogs are basically my porn. |: Whereas someone might ogle shirtless Abercrombie and Fitch models, I'd be the chick who wallpapers her wall with clippings of dudes fully clothed and wearing chinos. And like, I used to go totally ape shit over sweater vests. What am I, a gay man?

Many ladies have low expectations of the way their men dress. Straight dudes can't dress themselves, they say, just accept it. And to that I say no. Damn it, I refuse.

Basically the men in J.Crew catalogs are wearing such clothes that say "I am a capable grown-ass man with a job." That's what's up.

This is Robert Redford in Out of Africa. Look at him. Are those chinos? Men, you can look like Robert Redford RIGHT NOW, JUST GO TO J.CREW.

I'll break this down: you need to look like you are competent in the workplace OR, in the case of Redford here, like you are a *#$&ing pilot/explorer/badass.
Two acceptable looks, ok? Again:

PART TIME PROFESSOR OF ARCHEOLOGY, FULL TIME BADASS
as demonstrated by Harrison Ford

AFFABLE GEEK WITH DESK JOB BUT WHO IS NICE, RELIABLE AND NOT JACKASS

as demonstrated by Joseph Gordon-Levitt

As a final piece of advice I recommend plaid/checkered button-down shirts for any and all males.

When I get married someday and my friends throw me a bachelorette party I will be both pissed off and disappointed if they hire a stripper, and not some guy who will get paid to actually put on a plaid shirt slowly. For the duration of the night I will call him "Ben." And I will tuck one dollar bills into his breast pocket.