1. Liz Lemon, staunch new-wave feminist
Me, Jackie, friend of Jackie's, and a friend of Jackie's friend lounge in the living room of the apartment at school, nursing glasses of wines and engaging in girl talk. As opposed to dude talk, of which I am an active participant 95% of the time. In the case of the friend of friend and friend of friend of friend, this is a pre-party visit--the party theme is announced to be "CEOs and corporate hos" and the ladies are dressed accordingly. Flicker of Liz Lemon first appears when my thoughts to plunge in the direction of "Oh, that is so typical, with women relegated to the role of corporate 'ho'... oh what an idea for a party indeed, that is just--". No, Shan, stop being a Douglass woman for two seconds, and lay down four years' worth of gender theory weaponry down. I consider whether I would attend such a party and decide that I wouldn't, on principle. This realization should have been a warning sign.
Jackie's friend: "I just sent a picture of me to [insert boyfriend name] and said, 'if I were your secretary, would you do me?" Everyone is merrily appreciative of this comment, and before I realize what I'm saying I blurt, "or, you know, you could be like 'if I were your boss would you do me? ....AmIright?" They look at me as though they have never encountered someone so socially inept, and they simply have no words to capture their awe, and then I feel myself in the process of filling the silencio by mumblecoughing "..feminism?" I think things could only have been made worse had I tried to high-five myself afterward.
2. Liz Lemon, Inadvertent Racist
On the night before Halloween, for all the reasons you can guess, I was dressed in a banana costume. I will not put on airs and tell you that it was even an adult-sized banana costume, for no, indeed it was intended for both children and Shans alike. I could have done with a larger costume, but the miniature costume was a whole ten dollars cheaper, and what can I say, in this economy we can't all afford to be large fruits. At a bar I pull away from Jackie-as-not-quite-obvious-enough Ke$ha in order to commend these two guys on what were, by far, the most fabulous of costumes. I am talking about Will Smith as the Fresh Prince, and Carlton. Now, I love Will Smith. I can't, however, stand his progeny--Willow and Jaden just irk me. But that's because I hate most children who are pimped out to showbiz, and plus, I just like Will too much to accept little subpar imitations. Anyway, I see them and I beeline to talk to them. It goes like this--
"Oh my goodness I love the fresh prince"
"Mmhm" Will Smith responds. He appears disinterested, and barely capable of acknowledging my gushing.
"Those wayfarers are fantastic," I persist, because I am too big a fan of the Fresh Prince to do otherwise, and then turning to his friend "Will and Carlton, such a great idea..."
"I'm not Carlton."
"Come again?"
Carlton frowns down at me. My mind cannot compute.
"I'm Steve Jobs."
I look at his turtleneck. His glasses. Carlton didn't have glasses, did he? Actually, perhaps this guy does not look like Carlton at all.
Oh, no, no. What defense do I have? "I'm sorry but you were a black nerd standing next to Will Smith, I just didn't immediately think... that you were a recently deceased white man." No, that would not do. So obviously I just laughed and backed away swiftly.
3. Liz Lemon, ranting queen, staunchly pro-sock
I once went on a five minute rant about why anyone would elect to wear ankle socks in the winter, as I had just purchased crew socks and experienced some kind of sock euphoria/revelation. "You don't realize what you've been missing in ankle warmth until you wear this, I'm telling you"--and proceeding to tell you for five minutes more.
4. Liz Lemon, unkempt like harried mother of five, but is not actually mother
After a movie I went to the bathroom to whizz and discovered popcorn kernels had found their way into the leg of my pants. Which is just illogical.
